It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
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Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.