I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
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Oh no
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.