Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
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Feel. He’s so soft.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.