[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
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me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
i want to work in this restaurant
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.