Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
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[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.