If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
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Whoa 😂
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda