*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
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my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree