I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
You Might Also Like
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
What a chick magnet..
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
scares
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’