An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
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why he move like a hotel transylvania character
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
*checks Timeline*…
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.