“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
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My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit