[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
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gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Thinking outside the box.. 😅