His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
White parent Vs Arab parents
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
how much for the angry fruit?
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow