Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
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14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Should I call tech support or pray or what
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Only a mother’s love …
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.