When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
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the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Never go to sleep after making me angry
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.