Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
You Might Also Like
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Follow me for more recipes
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Cat is stressing him out.