Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
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Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.