judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
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My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
good let them take over I have had enough
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.