“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
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Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.