My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
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I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
spot the difference
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]