We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
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[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly