I’d … I’d rather not.
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The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
The future is now.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.