TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
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I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
[plot twist] ur buried vertically