saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
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With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Customer is always right
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Impervious: being an admitted pervert