The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
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People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!