Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
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Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”