Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
You Might Also Like
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I can’t stop watching this.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
secret recipe
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
accurate
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.