CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
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Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
handsome & gretel
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden