I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
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what the
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi