Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
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I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR