My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
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All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
stand with me against insufficient seating
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?