The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
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if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.