the only bumper sticker ill allow
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The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”