Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
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*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
what’s more important?
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home