The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
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I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.