Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
You Might Also Like
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password