16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
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Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.