me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
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“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
found this cool rock hiking today
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.