recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
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The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
#SaturdayBears
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work