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Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
What’s so funny?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Seductively sings in Klingon.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face