Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
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It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.