Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
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Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”