When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
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Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat