I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
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Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
How do you milk an almond?
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.