Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
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Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you