Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
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I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me