Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
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Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.