I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
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All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
fr
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Natural selection at its finest
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
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Appendviii
Appendix
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.