me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
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I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”