A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
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Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?