Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
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Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.